Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ~Hebrews 10:23
I’ve been really sick recently. It always starts with a tickle in my throat and then things sort of fast forward to a chest cold/fevers/all around feeling lousy in less than 24 hrs it seems. I’ve been here many times before but never with a baseline lung function this low. I went to the hospital for a picc line placement a week ago and will probably be receiving IV antibiotics from home for 3 weeks. Maybe this doesn’t seem like a big deal and in the grand scheme of things, I’m hoping it’s not but I found myself discouraged a few nights ago.
For the last 7 months, I’ve been going through a lung transplant evaluation at a center that is close to my home (60 miles away) in hopes that I may be able to have my surgery in New England. If I had a choice, I’d like to be near our support of family and friends during recovery. Just before I came down with this cold, I was told that this center will not be able to perform my lung transplant because they discovered that I have a mild case of portal hypertension. It is now very unlikely that any lung transplant program in New England will take my case.
There are too many details to write in this post but my heart just sank when I heard this news. This was not the phone call I was hoping to get. I’d been told up to this point that I am an ideal candidate for lung transplant surgery. When I caught this cold, I found myself really struggling to fight back. I didn’t and don’t have things figured out and secured. What if I didn’t improve and get better this time? And when I get sick, I get sick. Days run together. I don’t get sleep. Antibiotics make me feel lousy. Fevers make me so loopy. O2 24/7. Breathing is so hard. All. The. Time. Not just at certain times. All the time. Let’s just say, I wasn’t in a good place a few nights ago.
I was very honest with God about my feelings. I told him I didn’t have the strength to do this and that I’m just so tired of everything being so hard. In fact, I cried out to him frequently. Pleading with him for relief, strength, and comfort. Everything just seemed so impossible.
And then all of a sudden a few nights ago, I actually slept!
I’ve seen a little bit of improvement each day since that night and was even able to be without my O2 for a little while this afternoon. I am not sure if I will fully recover and I am really not sure of anything having to do with lung transplant surgery at this point but I do know one thing. I continue to experience the faithfulness of God. He is always good and he is always with me. He is able. That is all the security I need.